I’m an office drone by day, pervert by night. Actually, that’s not true. I’m a pervert all the time, but I have to pretend to be a straight-laced accountant for a few hours a week so that I can take care of my rent. It’s a terribly mind-numbing job, but the bills must get paid.
In order to pass the time, I do naughty things in and around my office when no one is looking. Sometimes I shoot amateur porno in my car on my lunch break, and at least once a day, I take a picture of my tits to post on the Internet. If you flip through my Tumblr blog or scroll down my Twitter timeline, my boobs are unavoidable. It’s just part of my schtick – I take sneaky office boob pics. It’s what I do on my down time when I’m supposed to be filing, shuffling reports or otherwise occupying my time with busy work. I’ll wait till everyone in my line of cubicles goes off elsewhere and then it’s time to party. I palm my tits and pull them up and over the top of my shirt. With my camera phone, I take 5 or 6 pictures one right after another and then I’ll cover up again. Occasionally, I’ll end up waiting around for the other ladies in my department to get up. But usually, I’ll end up getting impatient. When in doubt, I never mind going into the bathroom to take matters (boobies, whatever) into my own hands. And that’s what happened today.
I stood up from my chair, grabbed a tampon from my purse and headed into the lavatory with my camera phone. When there’s no one else in the bathroom, the picture taking is much less complicated. Those are my favorite moments. In the safety of my own stall with my cell phone in my mouth, I pulled my tits out and hiked up my skirt. I wiggled my panties down to my knees and assumed the half squatting, sumo-esque position that is my preferred for tampon removal. And that’s when everything went awry.
When I pulled the string to take the cotton out of my pussy, the damn thing swung out like a pendulum away from my body. A huge blob of bloody period goo that had not yet been absorbed by the plug flew through the air and splattered itself against the closed door. With the most quiet thud that you could imagine, tiny droplets of crimson sprinkled themselves all over the yellow wall and white tile floor. My black leather flats and pink underoos were also casualties of my vagina’s war on discretion.
I yelled out, “What the fuck!?” to thankfully, the empty bathroom. Still, the surrounding area looked like an executioners block. I was no longer in the mood to take pictures of my boobs. Rather, I sat down, started to piss and unrolled toilet paper from the dispenser. I dropped a wad to the floor and started moving it around with my feet to clean up. I finish peeing, mopped up my bloody fuck box and shimmied my panties back up over my ass. With my tits still out, I opened my stall door only to find my coworker standing there. My body froze. I cannot begin to explain how glad I was that I had cleaned the floor as quickly as I did.
The girl relieved herself and washed her hands quickly. I simply stood there like a statue. In my mind, that seemed like the best way to diminish my own embarrassment. The familiar sound of the door slowly closing behind her was a relief and my cue to exhale. I ran over to the sink where I wet a stack of paper towels. I checked the bottom drawer of the vanity where to my delight was a bottle of window cleaner. I then returned to the scene of the crime and made that door fucking sparkle. When I was finished, the door was a completely different color than the dingy stall separators. I told myself I would clean them later on after everyone else punched out. I washed my hands, threw a bit of cool water on my flushed cheeks and went back to my cubbyhole in the office. Surprisingly, only 12 minutes had passed, not an eternity.