In an earlier article, Scarlett’s Survey of Vagina Names, I gave you all a little insight into the creative, and at times, offensive, language men and women use when discussing the Vagina.  I listed, reorganized, and then catalogued tons of terms for your viewing pleasure.  But after receiving emails from a few of you, I can see that I’m still missing many phrases and idioms!  I’d like to say that I’m surprised, but the truth is, all my Juliland dolls are so creative that I was unfazed by your responses.  Keep them emails cuming, baby!

There was something I did not address, however, that I believe is very important to discuss – why so many names for the Vagina?  I’ve thought a lot about this, and I’ve come up with the following theories:

 

  1. We don’t enjoy calling the Vagina by its anatomical name because it’s too clinical.
  2. Our culture thrives on slang terminology and the ability to create a new language from scratch.
  3. We’d rather not call the female genitals ‘vagina’ during sex (“I want to fuck your vagina so hard” definitely lacks some sex appeal).
  4. We use newly constructed language and slang as a means to familiarize ourselves with the female genitals

Whether or not Theory 4 is accurate, let’s delve into it a bit.  I’ve been told on countless occasions that the Vagina is ‘scary’ or ‘mysterious.’  And it’s understandable, considering it sometimes has a mind of its own just like its penis counterpart, and it changes its hairstyle as much as Dick Avery changes his mind.  Well, here’s a tip to become friendlier with the Vagina – always, always, always ask for assistance when in doubt.  Simple, right?  (NO…I can tell you about a dozen men that needed that advice despite their “confident stud in the bedroom” routine.  Good Lord, help em’!)

Here’s another tip: did you ever consider that by naming the Vagina something other than its given name, it ultimately allows the namer in question to be less threatened by its intimidating nature?  It’s like calling a scary spider by the name ‘Herman’ – he immediately becomes your best friend instead of your mini mortal enemy.  BUT, keep in mind – if you call the Vagina names such as ‘gash,’ or ‘God’s Gift to Man,’ then you put yourself in a position to be viewed as a sexist, chauvinistic pig rather than a creative slang guru.  And you wouldn’t want that, would you?

But still the question remains – why so many terms for the Vagina?  You can choose from Theories 1-3, if you’d like.  Or, you can believe that the beautifully illusive Vagina intimidated so many individuals that as a result, we now have hundreds of names to describe the female genitals.  However, I personally like to think that my lady parts can be called copious amounts of terms because it’s simply amazing.  To all those men and women who view the Vagina as a place of contempt, worry, or unsightly features, I am here to tell you that it is about time you start embracing it and put it on a fucking pedestal.  After all, it is as valuable as gold…

Yours truly,
Scarlett Stone

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