What do Marilyn Monroe and a side of cream have in common? The Blonde Roast, of course! While your dirty little mind may have initially taken you to a swinging 60’s fetishization of the blonde bombshell herself and your cream, I am here to sadly inform you that this joke starts and ends with coffee grinds. The side of cream, however, can be yours to choose.
Although the Blonde Roast was originally premiered in January of 2012, it is still considered a fairly new addition to the coffee family, one that leaves most customers warmly satisfied. For others, like myself, the Blonde Roast provides me with many more opportunities to express my most coveted blonde jokes. Now, I don’t necessarily have any beef with blondes nor do I believe they share commonly stereotyped characteristics that place them low on the Stanford-Binet scale. In fact, some of my hush-hush lady crushes are brazen beauties with golden straw locks. But as a crimsoned haired darling myself, I tend to prefer others closest to my own hue. I happen to firmly believe that a darker mane is more universally associated with a cloak-and-dagger beauty.
While I can merrily chime in with my blonde jokes and sip on a lighter roast, rumors have confirmed that the Starbucks’ employees are prohibited to do so. Apparently, if any barista or store manager recites blonde banter, they can and will be issued a written offense and fine. With so much tip-toeing around the coffee house, I had to wonder, why was the Blonde Roast given its name? And perhaps most importantly, why are a Brunette and Ginger Roast absent from their shelves? Does Starbucks simply prefer blondes?
If their logo is any indication, the Starbucks franchise is a lover of women. Their merchandise is stamped with a twin-tailed mermaid completely devoid of clothing. Representing the brand since 1971, the siren is now accompanied by her blonde complement and a few other exotic novelties. It may not have been their intention, but Starbucks’ additional roasts (the Columbian, French, Nicaragua Diamond, Italian, and Dark Roast) sound very much like European mistresses, Bond girls, or call girls. So, for those of you lonely on a Friday night and in need of a tall, hot blonde, make your way down to Starbucks – they have pussy aplenty.
Yours truly,
Scarlett Stone
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