jl_checkI try not to mention Twisted on first dates and I hate it. Without her I’m just like everybody else. Good job, normal life, nothing awesome. It fucking sucks! 90% of my awesome stories are from that side of my life!

But I don’t mention it because it’s a lot to drop on a guy when you first meet them. Hi I’m that nice normal girl you met at the gym, coffee shop, or bank. Dressed up all professional, or in a wholesome pony tail, t-shirt, and jeans.

Then you drop the bomb. Surprise! I’m also a nymphomaniac-stripper who drinks rum like a pirate and curses like a sailor! My hobbies include S&M, women, sex, metal, and debauchery. I’m a little uncontrollable and often go on ridiculous adventures. My favorite thing to do is everything God told me not to. I’m also a writer, and I document all of my sexy shenanigans on my anonymous sex blog and a fetish site for my growing fan base to enjoy.

It either scares them away, or they get caught up in the whole dating-a-nympho-stripper thing and distracted from me.

However, after I get to know them I love dropping that bomb and seeing their reaction. Like Tattoo Guy. On our first date he thought it was cute that I was shy about admitting I had read 50 Shades of Grey. Then stunned silence and a shit eating grin when I told him about everything else and how I was a female embodiment of Christian Grey a few days later.

Oh, speaking of Grey, his reaction was the best. He was like a school boy on recess. I never ended up telling Gym Guy about that stuff. Even though he made it to a second date. Didn’t feel like mentioning it because I wasn’t interested enough.

By the way, speaking of first dates, I do not do the “check dance”. On How I Met Your Mother Ted says that girls are supposed to reach for the check as if they don’t expect the man to pay. No, no, my friend. You are expected to pay, I will not dance.

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