For A Good Time, Call… brings laughter, fake orgasms, leopard print, and pink telephones to all those in a need of an injection of raunchy chick-flick humor.  In fact, the last time I experienced such ball-busting verve from the mouth of a female was in the bathroom at Geisha House last Friday night.  Other than that, Kristen Wiig’s Bridesmaides is a close second (but I must admit that Maury, Jerry Spring, and Cheaters are giving all sassy women a run for their money).  Content aside, these mediums are both successful and simultaneously jaw dropping, and I believe that it’s due to their unapologetic quality that is entirely contagious.

But in the film, For a Good Time, actresses Ari Graynor and Lauren Miller particularly prosper because they are ingenious, unapologetic phone sex operators (a triple threat, in my opinion).  If there’s anything I learned from this movie it is how to be shameless, how to look good while doing so, and how important it is to have mind-blowing sex via telephone.  So, if you care to blow a brain, a kidney, or even a dick, follow my rules to the Mecca of phone sex, otherwise known as “Phone Sex for Dummies.”

  1. CHARGE YOUR PHONE, YOU’LL NEED ALL THE BATTERY YOU CAN GET.
  2. DIAL THE CORRECT NUMBER. You may think this is a trivial tip, but you can’t even imagine how many times I’ve accidentally gotten off the wrong person or upset an elderly couple.  Forgive me, Pearl and Ira.
  3. BE ALONE. This goes for both you and your partner.  An intrusion on phone sex is such a mood kill, and it’s one that’s hard to recover from.  So before you make the call, text you partner and ask what they’re doing or if they’re alone.  Once you establish you’re both unaccompanied and friends/parents are not listening, go for it!
  4. SAY THE NAME OF YOUR PARTNER. After you dial the correct number, it’s always nice to greet your partner with just their name.  This small but powerful action shows that you’re in control, you know what you’re doing, and you know what you want.  You can essentially say his or her name in any tone, but I’ve found that a sultry voice a few pitches lower gives a certain luster that sets a sensual tone.
  5. BE UNAPOLOGETIC.  I’ll take this saying to my grave!  It’s not only a perfect principle for phone sex, but it’s also an inspiring phrase to abide by in everyday life.  Be who you are, speak your mind, and make everyone want to be you or be with you.
  6. ALCOHOL IS YOUR FRIEND. If you’re sexing over the phone and don’t need a flawlessly functioning pecker in front of you, a little alcohol is your best friend.  Throw back a few shots, have a glass of wine, and take the edge off so your nerves don’t get the best of you.  Phone sex can be a bit awkward when you haven’t done it before and even if you have, silences hit every conversation whether you like it or not!  Liquid courage in small amounts will do you well.
  7. DON’T HALF ASS IT. If you say you’re at work, you’re naked, or you have your finger up your ass, then you are.  By actually doing what you’re describing via phone, you have a better chance of truly getting into character and into the moment.  This rule also applies to orgasms.  It’s important to make moaning, groaning, and heavy breathing intonations, but the Big O should be real and truthfully achieved.  Once it is, you’ll be glad it was authentic.
  8. ALWAYS ASK QUESTIONS. Believe it or not, asking questions is what will make a sexy call the most successful.  After all, phone sex is a game of Madlibs.  These are just a few go-to phrases:

“What are you doing?

“What are you wearing?”

“If I was with you right now, what would you do to me?”

“Tell me what you want me to do.”

“Tell me where your hands are.”

“How do you feel when I tell you to feel yourself?”

“How does that feel?”

“I’m imagining your _______ on/in my _______.”

“I love when you _______.”

“If I was there right now, I would be _______.”

“Do you feel how hard your nipples/penis are getting?”

 “Are you getting wet?”

“You like that, don’t you?”

“Can I lick it?”

“Tell me how it tastes.”

“Can I put your balls in my mouth?”

9. OFFENSIVE WORDS ARE DIRTY WORDS. There are only a few words that I find offensive, and the following are not any of them (I think it’s safe to say that porn has desensitized me).  But I do know that for many people and couples alike, words like “cunt,” “fuck,” or “cock” can be a bit distasteful.  However, it’s those three words that you’ll want to use while having phone sex.

10. KNOW THE LIMITS. You’re already saying “cunt,” “fuck,” and “cock” and it’s getting the job done.  But what about going further and talking dirtier?  Go for it!  Just make sure that you know where you and your partner stand and where your boundaries lie.  You can easily find the line by taking a hint from your partner’s personality, the intercourse you share, and the way he/she responds to your questions.  Those go-to phrases will help you test the water before you jump in the deep end and get all wet.

11. DON’T GO UP THE BUTT UNLESS YOU’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE. For both men and women, don’t go straight for the anal unless you know it’s up for grabs.  In my own ex