Fictional Females of My Affection

They may have only existed on screen, in the pages of a novel, or on the cutting room floor.  In some instances, they were manufactured by science, animated by graphic designers, idealized by Truman Capote, and idolized by MILF admirers everywhere.  Their livelihood may have only lasted a mere two and a half hours, but their loyal fans have immortalized them in such a way that they will quite literally, live forever.  Needless to say, the future holds a lot of wanking and post-cum cleanup.

Setting themselves apart from the do-gooders and Mary Poppins wannabes, these twenty women are terrifyingly enigmatic in a make you sweat buckets kind of way.  They’ve been described as “disarming,” “clairvoyant,” one that will “eat you alive,” and perhaps most importantly, a “seductive bitch.”  To be in a relationship with just one of them would be a head fuck and a half, a reason to swear off the female gender for good!  But quite honestly, that’s why I love them.  Watching and reading them puts me in an eye-opening daze where all I can do is wish I was as brave or as verbally perverse as they are.  Before my desires to be bad gets the best of me, I remember that these fictional females have teams of writers behind their every word.  If they ever did exist, they would most likely end up committed, broke, or  dead in a ditch somewhere far from unfaltering fandom.

So perhaps it’s best these beauties remain fictional and at bay.  Just like porn stars, these twenty women are disarming because they are a fabrication of reality, an intangible fantasy composed of one part crazy and two part beautiful, otherwise known as the Fictional Females of My Affection…

1. Penny Lane, Almost Famous (2000)

“I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriosuly, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends.”

2. Alice/Jane, Closer (2004)

“Hello, stranger.”

3.Isadora Zelda White Stollerman Wing, Fear of Flying (1973)

“Women are their own worst enemies. And guilt is the main weapon of self-torture . . . Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”

4. Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction (1994)

“I said God Damn! God Damn…”

5. Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

“I’m like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don’t even belong to each other.”

6. Malena Scordia, Malena (2000)

“Time has passed, and I have loved many women. And as they’ve held me close… and asked if I will remember them I’ve said, ‘Yes, I will remember you.’ But the only one I’ve never forgotten is the one who never asked… Malena.”

7. Effy Stonem, Skins (2007-2013)

“Nobody breaks my heart.” 

8. Clementine Kruczynski, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

“I’m a vindictive little bitch, truth be told!” 

9. Tiffany, Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

“I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?”

10. Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate (1967)

“Benjamin, I want you to know that I’m available to you, and if you won’t sleep with me this time I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we’ll make some kind of arrangement.”

11. Maria Elena, Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

“You’re still searching for me in every woman.”

12. Isabelle, The Dreamers (2003)

“He’s always inside of me.”

13. Lisa, Weird Science (1985)

“So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?” 

14. Annie Hall, Annie Hall (1977)

“We’re not having an affair. He’s married. He just happens to think I’m neat.” 

15. Danielle, The Girl Next Door (2004)

“Hi, I’m all wet. Can I come in?”

16. Poison Ivy, Batman & Robin (1997)

“There’s just something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl’s lips.”

17. Amélie, Amélie (2001)

“I had two heart attacks, an abortion because I smoked crack while I was pregnant. Besides that, I’m fine.”

18. Vesper Lynd, Casino Royale (2006)

“By the cut of your suit, you went to Oxford or wherever. Naturally you think human beings dress like that. But you wear it with such disdain, my guess is you didn’t come from money, and your school friends never let you forget it. Which means that you were at that school by the grace of someone else’s charity: hence that chip on your shoulder. And since you’re first thought about me ran to ‘orphan,’ that’s what I’d say you are.”

19. Satanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

“I’m not gonna drain you completely. You’re gonna turn for me. You’ll be my slave. You’ll live for me. You’ll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don’t think you’re worthy of human blood. You’ll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You’ll be my foot stool. And at my command, you’ll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you’ll be my dog, your new name will be ‘Spot.’ Welcome to slavery.”

20. Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”

Am I the only one who loves a fucked up woman?

Yours truly,
Scarlett Stone

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