If a cock could converse, what would he say?  Perhaps he would ask for a nice rub, a kiss before bed, a quickie in the morning, or an all-day fuck fest.  In times of overwhelming sexual frustration, he may yell out slurs of discontentment or even a simple, “Fuck me.”

If the one-eyed snake could gaze through his small pinhole of an opening, what would he see?  Surely he would see plaid boxers or cotton briefs at the edge of his eyelid, covering his head like a blanket to a body.  In times of getting lucky, he would most certainly see the inside of orifices.  Pink, wet, beautiful, and bold, the sights would astound him.

But if a penis could comprehend the written word, what would he read?  I wonder first if he would have a library card, and then secondly, I speculate as to where he would keep it.  As he walks casually through the local library, he picks up several books along the way, all of which are classics and specifically attuned to his very being.  The pile begins with Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick, the tale of a voyage whose sole purpose is to seek out a huge white sperm whale.  As the pile and the penis grow in unison, his collection shows sight of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a story that deals heavily with split personalities.  No need to explain the obvious here.  Eventually, Freud and Hemingway complement his other finds, and it seems that after hours of searching for the perfect read, the penis is finally ready to begin on his stack of books.

1. Moby-Dick by Herman Melvill










2. Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson










3. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray










4. 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James










5. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality by Sigmund Freud










6. Men Without Women by Ernest Hemingway










7. Understanding Women by Jan Silvious










8. The Layguide by Tony Clink










9. How to Become an Alpha Male by John Alexander










10. Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People by Joseph O’Connor










11. The Big Penis Book by Dian Hanson










12. Oh, the Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss 










13. Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles by Robin Baker










14. Dick: A User’s Guide by Michele C. Moore










15. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk










16. Penis Envy by Peter Sacco










17. The Guy’s Guide to Feminism by Michael Kaufman










18. How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget










19. Female Ejaculation: Unleash the Ultimate G-Spot Orgasm by Somraj Pokras










20. Dangerous Liaisons by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos










21. Phallic Worship by Hodder M. Westropp










22. Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi










23. Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That? by Jesse Bering










24. Is Size Important? by Donald I. Templer










25. Private Parts: An Owner’s Guide to the Male Anatomy by Yosh Taguchi











Your’s truly,
Scarlett Stone
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