In Sorta-Communist China, Government Porns You! Or Something.

Oh China. The more I read about you, the more I realize you’re probably an interesting place to visit but not really such a nice place to live.

As you know, I’ve written about how Apple refuses to allow porn on any of their iDevices through the App Store. Despite the porn prohibition, many Chinese are complaining that there is, in fact, porn readily available for the iPad.

What kind of porn, you might ask? Anal sex scenes? Hardcore interracial foreign devil-on-damsels of the middle kingdom action? Tranny porn? Or even worse, hardcore interracial foreign devil-on-trannies of the middle kingdom porn? Nope. These stalwart and upright quasi-communists are complaining about “sexually explicit written material” penned (or rather, brushed) hundreds of years ago.

The app in question, “18 novels forbidden in the Ming and Qing Dynasty,” contains — surprise, surprise — 18 novels forbidden in the Qing and Ming dynasties (which strangely did not include the novelization of “Faces of Death”). In case you’re not up on your Chinese history, these dynasties were around before the communists took over. A professor claims the app violates China’s definition of porn that was drawn up in 2010, possibly proving that the Chinese have been uptight about the whole porn on books thing for a very long time.

An outraged Li Qiang, professor with the Chinese Academy of Sciences, called for the prosecution of Apple. Then he asked for an iPad so he could read these forbidden stories for himself to document how debased they were.

The upside: apparently the legal age for horny Chinese teens to get their first peek of boob, or at least, the description of a boob, is 17.


Transgendered Boobs Open New Vistas in Confusion, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love All Boobs, Part 2

By now you’ve heard about Chaz Bono, the daughter/son of Cher on “Dancing with the Stars.” What’s that? You say you actually have a life and that doesn’t include D-listers ballroom dancing to somewhat contemporary hits?

Well congratulations, Captain. At least there’s someone with some kind of sense of taste. Here’s a recap of the story so far. Chaz Bono was the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono. Chaz got a sex change. Chaz is now proving to the world what virile, woman-loving man he is by…appearing on a dance reality show. Anyway, in a totally manufactured move that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, the show’s PR team squawked about Christian and conservative groups denouncing Chaz’s transgendered lifestyle — because the urge to change your sex can be transmitted through TV. It’s true kids, Glenn Beck put it on a blackboard and everything.

All of this, in and of itself, would not be interesting. However, these photos of a topless Chaz Vincent is sure to make a Republican’s head explode.

Last week, I discussed the confusing state of boob law in this country. It’s ok for men to walk around shirtless, no matter how large their cup size, but wrong for women to show off their lust pillows, no matter how small.

In the case of Chaz, are you looking at a woman’s boobs? She was born a woman, after all. Or are you looking at a man’s breasts? I mean, that’s what the surgery was for right? Or should really be looked at as some kind of breast reduction surgery?

I don’t think any of this should matter. But you know it does to anyone who lives in a red state, and minds are going inside out trying to figure this one out.


I Bet this is the Same Asshole who got Lawn Darts Outlawed, Too

Here’s a little piece of common courtesy you’d think would be obvious — don’t try on rubbers before you buy them. Just a helpful hint — I work in porn, so I am an expert in these things.

I know all men would like to think that their dongs all need a XXXXXXXXL size, but unless you’re, say, Lexington Steele, Shane Diesel or Rocco Siffredi, the over the counter condoms should be more than enough for you. Also, women will not be impressed if you drop your pants at Wal-Mart and try them on right there. Trust us, we’ve seen bigger (see: Lex, Shane and Rocco).

You’d think this was common sense. But if you take a look at this picture, you realize that common sense isn’t, well, so common.