When the Juliland Universe asked me to come up with ten things that make me go absolutely wild, I had a very difficult time simply staying within the number limit. But after narrowing them down, I have here my ten favorite things in no particular order:
- STEAK: Give me a good steak cooked medium rare for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, and I’ll be happy as a clam. There’s something about the juicy, pink texture to a good steak that has my mouth watering and stomach growling. I suppose it’s the taste, the idea of a big hunk of meat on my plate, or the left over blood that gets me going. But when I write about steak, the appeal seems to disappear. Bloody left overs, she says? I’ll stick to writing about only one piece of meat…
- DARK CHOCOLATE: After a lovely steak, give me a bar of bittersweet chocolate! In fact, give me some dark, sweet love while I’m eating my meat – the combination of sweet and savory is enough to make a girl swoon. If I can recall, the best experience I’ve ever had with dark chocolate is when a lover of mine had me eat it while he went down on me. American Psycho played in the background, and somehow, we’re back to bloody leftovers…
- CARBS, CARBS, CARBS: It seems that my third favorite thing is yet another food group. For me, carbohydrates are best consumed in the form of sourdough or rosemary bread, spaghetti, and sandwiches. Trouble here is I’m allergic to gluten. Onto the next obsession…
- BRITNEY SPEARS: I’m sure you can infer from my past article, If Britney Spears Were a Porn Star, that one of my largest loves in life is Miss Spears. My family and friends can attest to the fact that when I’ve been down and upset, I’ve always either listened to her albums or watched her tours on DVD. That girl always brings my spirits up, and when I’m finished indulging, I’m on fucking fire.
- BABY FRANK: Oh lord, where do I begin with this one. Baby Frank is my everything – my rock, my dog, my child, my boyfriend, my love. Richard Avery claims that Frank loves him the most, but clearly he’s seriously disturbed. Baby Frank, originally known as Franklin, is one of the most caring and compassionate animals I’ve ever come across. While he enjoys to spoon, he just as easily can snuggle up and watch reruns of Weeds, while simultaneously kissing my feet.
- VELVET: If I could have it my way, my surroundings would look like the interior of a brothel: red lights, boudoir atmosphere, and velvet everywhere. In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for my red velvet comforter that sits nicely atop my bed.
- LINGERIE: Somehow, I’ve accumulated enough lingerie to open up my own intimates store. I love all lingerie in every form it can come – lace, leather, or latex. Give me everything. I’ll wear the shit out every garment that comes my way.
- SQUIRTING: The man who gave me oral pleasure in the form of cunnilingus and dark chocolate is the same talented man who made me squirt for the first time. And once I squirted, I kept doing it. Needless to say, I’ve never looked back. I love the idea and action of squirting because you’re literally able to see a female have an orgasm. The proof is in the pudding, or in this case, the squirt.
- A GOOD MAN: Yes, it’s true. A good man is hard to find. But when you find yourself at a loss for a nice bloke, a hard man is also good to find. Nevertheless, I still love myself a great guy, someone to hold me, kiss me on the forehead, and then fuck my brains out. And in the morning, we have gluten-free waffles!
- SEX: Enough said.