After several dinners and a movie, long walks on the beach, and sticky nights in the bedroom, technology and lingerie have made their romance publicly official with the fabrication of five very unique products.  Somewhere between a teddy and a telephone, a G-string and a GPS, and a corset and a camera, the following pieces were constructed.  Expectations were high, hopes were crushed, and in the end, the worst had transpired: feminists were offended.

If these products are any indication, the future between technology and lingerie will most likely be short-lived and improbable.  In fact, the only real example of a five-star product that involves electronic components and lace is the Berman Center Astrea Remote Vibrating Thong.  Now, that’s a piece of machinery I’m sure many feminists would get behind (and on top of).

What the vibrating thong has that the other pieces lack is a simple idea that is 1) safe 2) desired by consumers and 3) a best seller.  Unfortunately, the following five products fall short of such potentials, and as a result, they’ve landed themselves on my shit list.

1. The Joeybra

Manufacturers and consumers describe the Joeybra as “The first sexy, comfortable pocketed bra that allows women to carry a phone, ID, and key when going out to parties, dances, or events.”  All in all, this bra sounds like one hell of a successful product that was just waiting to be fashioned.  In fact, I can’t tell you how many  times I’ve lost my apartment key or driver’s license in the depths of my bosoms between my unbelievable cleavage.  It’s a sight to see, one that could kill a man.  But breasts aside, the Joeybra has one large problem, an issue that should launch a recall – it’s entirely unsafe.  While cell phones may come with a safety manual, they typically conceal health risks from using their handsets.  They state the following, “When using near your body for voice calls or for wireless network data, keep iPhone at least 15mm (5/8in) away from the body and only use accessories that do not have metal parts.  Again maintain at least 15mm separation from the body” (Apple iPhone).  The Joeybra, despite its good intentions, essentially exposes their consumers to the dangers of Radio Frequency, an exposure that is known to heat body tissue.

2. GPS Bra and Panty

Brazilian designer Lucia Lorio is responsible for the creation of GPS lingerie, a product that has feminists’ panties in a twist.  They see the GPS bra, panty, and teddy as both offensive and restrictive to those who wear them.  While the lingerie set has been referred to as a “modern day chastity belt,” Lorio insists that was not her intention.  Rather she states that the collection is “a wink to women and a challenge to men because even if she gives him the password to her GPS, she can always turn it off.”  So, if it can be turned off, is accessible to both partners, and can easily be taken off in the heat of the moment, what function does it really serve?

3. Solar Power Bra

The Solar Power Bra is environmentally-friendly equipment that just happens to also hold and lift breasts.  Created by Triumph International Japan, the piece is green in color and wraps around the chest with a solar belt around the stomach.  While the Solar Power Bra is a resourceful invention, it’s not completely practical.  Undoubtedly, you can now charge any cell phone or iPod through your tits, but it’s nearly impossible to wear any type of shirt over it.  Not to mention, it can’t be washed or worn in the rain.

4. The Warm Biz Bra

Triumph International is also responsible for the Warm Biz Bra, a piece that ultimately aims to save the world one warm pair at a time.  This inventive bra looks as though you’ve killed a small white dog and then worn it across your breasts as a fashion statement.  Looks aside, however, the Warm Biz Bra has been proven to keep one toasty.  Through the insertion of microwaveable, eco-friendly-filled gel pads, the bra allows for their consumers to keep warm and keep their nipples tamed through the cold seasons.  But similar to their Solar Power Bra counterpart, the Warm Biz Bra makes it difficult to wear anything over it.

5. LED Undies

What could draw more attention to your privates than LED lights scattered across your crotch?  Quiet honestly, nothing.  While LED Undies are as bright as can be and as brazen as they get, there are some safety concerns to be taken into consideration.  If worn for a long period of time or under layers of clothing, one can easily over heat their body and the covering fabric.  Other than those risks, wear these suckers as much as you want – it’s like wearing a flashing sign that says, “I want to get laid.”

Your’s truly,
Scarlett Stone

Follow Scarlett on Twitter!