Me: You are adorable. Look at your little gingham shirt! What are you guys doing here?

I slid onto a boy’s lap. He was skinny and young. An eighteen birthday, I guessed? The club was dead. It was the beginning of my shift, 8 o’clock on a Saturday. There were few people in the club, and I was bored and looking for someone to play with until the club picked up.

Kid: Uh thanks! It’s my eighteenth birthday, and it was his eighteenth birthday on Monday.


Me: Aw how cute! You guys should get some birthday dances.

Kid: I want one but I don’t have enough money.


Me: Give you a dance for your shirt.

Kid: What.

Me: I’ll give you a dance for your shirt. It’s adorable and I want it.

Kid: Well… okay.

I don’t know. I guess I like to take trophies. I took the kids hand, led him to the couch, and gave him a lap dance to Godsmack’s Voodoo. It was the kid’s first time, and I love taking lap dance virginities. I tossed my black hair and pulled off my neon yellow bra. I slipped off my black panties and snaked my way up his body wearing only a studded belt and fishnets. He was skinny and bony, and obviously embarrassed of his erection. After the dance he gave me his shirt. I sauntered back to the locker room with my prize.

Opening the door I saw Marley and Rider on top of each other on the bench making out while the seamstress took pictures. I shook my head.

Me: Marley I didn’t know you like girls too now!

Roxie: Oh she likes everything now.

The night was ridiculously slow. Around eleven I wandered to the bar to hang out with the owner. He offered me a drink, and I accepted. I asked for whiskey, and he asked if I’d ever had 120 year old crown. I hadn’t, so we drank double shots of it together, and looked at a Goodfella’s picture he had bought. I felt like a bad ass.

I danced for a mailman.

A college teacher.

Way too many people pretending to be way cooler than they are.

A bunch of douche bags.

Eighteen year olds who think they’re hard because they smoke weed and wear fake chains.

It was Diamond’s birthday. We went and did shots of patron. The night gets a little fuzzy there. I know in this span of time I danced for a med student, and a kid trying to fool me into thinking he was a med student. The latter was annoying and gawky as fuck. I played dumb and went along with his bull shit. A good amount of the young boys I meet at strip clubs love feeling smarter than me. He got a dance, and was so nervous about his erection that he talked the whole time to distract me. Aww. I vaguely remember giving someone my phone number. Marley and I planked on everything we could climb on. A dude got arrested but I don’t know for what. Douche texted, so I went home early so I could get some.

I woke up just after 1pm. I sat on my living room floor, smoking a blunt, counting my money. Three hundred bucks. Not my best, but definitely worth working six hours, getting fucked up, and having an awesome time. My phone buzzed, and I remembered giving my phone number to somebody, but who? Oh god, not the awkward fake med student.

(623): Hey this Zed. I’m a 23 year old med student. I like snowboarding and extreme sports. I drink Jack and Coke.

(623): *Picture of hot ass man*

(623): *Full length picture of hot ass man*

(623): *Full length picture of hot ass man naked*

(623): You told me to reintroduce myself and send pics because you probably wouldn’t remember. Then told me to send nudies because you’d be too polite to ask sober. Nice to meet you again :)

I stared at my phone. This med student is both legit and hot as fuck. I looked at the money covering my floor, then back at the sexy abs on the screen of my phone. Then I mentally high five’d myself.

Good fuckin night.

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