My DJ has a playlist of music for each of the girls at my club.  Mine is filled with dub step and metal, with occasional pops of Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha.  I went through an artsy phase where I’d do stages to Teardrop by Massive Attack.  The girls at my club hated that, because trying to be sexy to a shitty song is not easy.  Sometimes the girls pick the song, sometimes the DJ does it.  Either way, far too often, I end up writhing sexily to songs that have no place in a strip club.  Here are some of the worst offenders…

10. Anything Mariachi
You laugh like I’m kidding, but I’m serious. My first club was very close to the Arizona/Mexico border, so one in every five or so lap dances I give would be to blaring trumpets and thumping guitarrones. Torture.

9. Love Song, 311
Here I am, grinding on a trucker who just got off of a 12 straight hour drive. His pants are slightly moist with I don’t know what, so I’m doing my best to grind on his thigh and pose sexily. His beard reeks of corn nuts. Four dances in a row, and one of the slowest most romantic songs possible comes on. Really? How am I supposed to fake sexy while keeping as much distance as possible with a song like this? Romance has no place in a strip club.

8. Party in the USA

7. Call Me Maybe
Ok, this makes for a kind of hilarious lap dance. Really, try to feel anything close to sexy while dancing to this song. Now try it while giving a mexican cowboy with a handlebar lap dance in a strip club with no air conditioning. Hot.

6. What Makes You Beautiful
I might be guilty of requesting this song for a stage because I have a sick sense of humor. The irony of a song like this played in a strip club isn’t lost on me.

5. Firework, Katy Perry
I was working on a Tuesday night, the night where the less than perfect girls tend to work. It was near midnight, with two customers in the club. Neither of them had money for a dance. The pallid, stretch marked, aging B Team slinked around the club cursing while Katy Perry blared over the speakers, assuring each stripper she was a firework.

4. Love Story, Taylor Swift
Most depressing lap dance of my life. A sad, broken widower just looking for some female attention. Not funny, DJ.

3. Adelle, Someone Like You
I love those customers who get dance after dance after dance. Yes, it’s fairly exhausting to dance on a guy for an hour solid, but man is that some fast cash. One night I was on dance number 11 for a customer. The trick is to keep them engaged in the action, teasing constantly, so they don’t get bored and stop getting dances. Now imagine when song number 12 comes on and you’re workin it with everthing you’ve got… and some perpetually depressed bitch come over the speakers crooning a depressing, overly played song. It ruins my groove.

2. Kashmir, Led Zeppelin
Love this song. So much. But some clubs don’t cut their songs, and I am not about to give an 8 minute lap dance.

1. We Are The World (Assorted artists and both versions)
I was sitting on the couch chatting with my customer waiting for a good song to come on for my next dance. This little eighteen year old was halfway through her set. Lionel Richie’s voice filled the room as she dropped it low by the pole. Nope, this feels too wrong. I looked at my customer, “do you mind if we wait one more song?”

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