Call it fifth base, sodomy, buggery, butt sex, bumb fucking, chocolate thieving, riding the Hershey highway, cornholing, Greeking, parting cheeks, making pound cake, a chocolate cha cha, or a back-door-Charlie. If you’re Merriam Webster or my gynecologist, you may clinically describe it as a sexual activity that involves insertion of the penis or a sex toy into the anus. And after that narrative, I’m about as turned on as a broken light bulb. But word games aside, the act of anal sex is altogether an up the butt bang that should always be up for discussion.
To some, the thought of switching holes is unnatural and unhygienic, while for others, it’s habitual. In truth, approximately 25% of heterosexual adults in the United States have engaged in anal sex at least once in their life (McKinley Health Center). Only 10%, however, have done so at least once in the previous year. Other statistics have shown that between 5% and 10% engage in the activity regularly, but more specifically, 6% of women and 8% of men engage in anal sex at least once a month (UCSF HIV InSite). Undeniably, anal sex is both occurring and growing in popularity as the years progress. And its prevalence in porn only makes it more appealing to viewers and sexual adventurists wanting to take their own sex life to the next level. If you fall into that category or find yourself frequently saying, “I’ll try anything once,” then this is your guide to slide into fifth base gracefully. Now, put aside your blushing cheeks and sweaty palms, there’s no beating around the butt from here on out!
1. JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN PORN DOES NOT MEAN IT’S THE NORM
Here I am on my soap box canvassing for the social realization that porn is, in fact, a fantasy, and yet, I have no votes and no real indication that my words have been heard! So I shall say it again – pornography is a caricature of itself, a complete fabrication and exaggeration of reality. An actress doesn’t just orgasm, she squirts a river, and an actor doesn’t just cum, but he bursts a vein in the process. After the clean up, viewers learn that anal sex is just as common as vaginal sex, and perhaps most importantly, that all men and women enjoy it. Unfortunately, that’s as fake as plastic tits.
2. YOUR BODY, YOUR BUTT
If you’re sticking objects up your backside, it’s probably best to know what lies beneath. In the spirit of Merriam Webster, here is a very clinical, very unsexy, synopsis of the anatomy involved in anal:
★ The anus is the entry to the rectum, about one and half inches long, and surrounded by two rings of muscles (the external sphincter and the internal sphincter, otherwise known as what’s puckering closed when you look at the hole).
★ The external sphincter is the muscle closest to the anal opening and can be contracted at will due to its connection to the central nervous system.
★ The internal sphincter is the muscle that’s involuntarily controlled by the body. The internal sphincter cannot be contracted.
★ The rectum is an eight to nine inch expandable, tube-like structure made of soft tissue surrounded by muscles.
★ The prostate is a small, walnut-shaped gland located between the bladder and the penis. Like the female G-spot, the prostate can be aroused simply by inserting your index finger and moving it in a “come hither” motion.
3. TALK TILL YOU’RE BLUE IN YOUR BALLS
Communication is key to any healthy relationship, even if the relationship in question is purely sexual. Your boundaries, or lack there off, are most likely very different than your partner’s. And even if there are overlaps, talking can easily iron out issues prior to rolling around in the sheets. To avoid awkward moments, unexpected insertions, or claims of anal rape, I suggest you talk till you’re blue in your balls. If anything, it’ll get you closer to what you want and discovering in detail what your partner desires.
4. ENEMAS FOR DUMMIES
I was lucky enough to learn the importance of enemas from the queen of anal, Phoenix Marie. But before I ever met Phoenix, I made sure to empty my bladder and colon prior to sliding into fifth base. I learned very quickly, however, that the slide is more hygienically enjoyable when you properly clean out your insides with Fleet brand saline solution or mineral oil. In the words of the anal queen herself:
“The saline solution enema is used to expand the large intestine and to allow the release to be greater than it would be with just warm water (which is how most porn girls get ready). At home, you would repeat this process until you feel comfortable, or until you fill the bottle with warm water and the water exiting your rectum it is clear. This can take two to three fills. The mineral oil enema is typically used to lube the walls so hardened feces can pass through. Blockage can happen due to dehydration, so anytime you enema, remember to drink water!”
5. LUBRICATION STATION
For first timers and even veterans, anal sex can be like trying to fit a watermelon into a keyhole. In some cases, a couple’s anatomy just don’t mix well together, and in other instances, it’s a matter of stretching the muscles enough. Exercising the sphincter muscles will ultimately aid in the control of contraction and release around the penis. But, even the most in-shape anuses need a little slippery service. With lubrication products like System Jo Premium, Gun Oil, or good ol’ Astroglide, anal sex becomes much more pleasant and graceful. Apply a generous amount to inside the anus, around the hole, and on the penis.
6. THE DARKER THE SHEETS, THE HOTTER THE ROMP
This tip is fairly self-explanatory. To avoid any kind of “mess” or accidental “spill,” purchase dark, inexpensive, cotton sheets that are easy to wash and even easier to throw away (if need be).
7. GOING FOR THE BRONZE
You’re blue in the balls, have talked for hours, bought yourself some condoms and lube, and now, you’re ready to go for the bronze! If you’re like most committed Olympians, you’ve trained and perfected your craft excessively, which in the case of anal, means a flawless mix of foreplay and toy play. A Sports Center replay would show some passionate rimming, finger-to-anus action, bases one through four, and the use of a glass toy (not a butt plug!). The time has come, and you’re fairly close as well, but the insertion is worrisome. In this one instance, slow and steady does win the race. Be sure your cock is dressed beautifully in latex, have enough lube to accent your condom, and slowly slide into the anus while parting cheeks (yes, I recommend doggy style!). Always, always, always ask your partner if he or she is okay. Once you’ve established comfort, continue very slowly inside and out till you get the “okay” to speed up your thrusts. If at some point you want to switch from one hole to the other, read this article for more tips!
8. WHEN YOU’RE SICKY, IT CAN BE ICKY
Porn star sensation, Diana Prince, once shared an unfortunate story of a stomach flu meeting a gang bang on a porn set far, far away. While she knew she was sick and informed the producers of her upset stomach, they continued with the scene only to find a black liquid leaking from her rear. The moral of the story taught me that when it doubt, pull it out. You may be horny, sexually frustrated, and in need of some butt fucking love, but ultimately, it pays off to wait. Cuddle, anyone?
9. UTAH IS NOT FOR LOVERS
What happens behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors, especially if the police is on your tail! In the United States, there are a total of fifteen (yes, fifteen) states that still have laws declaring sodomy as an illegal activity. Some states are more lenient when the individuals performing the act are heterosexual and/or married. But for the most part, if you’re going up the butt, you’re going straight to hell. These are just a few of the following states that ban anal: Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah and Virginia. States such as Texas, Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma punish only homosexual sodomy.
10. WALK BEFORE YOU CAN RUN
Some people see sex and all its bases as a race to the finish line where the best time wins. In truth, no one is judging your accomplishments other than yourself. Your marathon of anal shouldn’t be a sprint, nor should you put a time line on accomplishing your bedroom bucket list. Walk before you can run, SP before you DP, and drive like it’s a Sunday down the Hershey highway.
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