tumblr_mj4j8qIa3D1qdyu3wo1_500Call it fifth base, sodomy, buggery, butt sex, bumb fucking, chocolate thieving, riding the Hershey highway, cornholing, Greeking, parting cheeks, making pound cake, a chocolate cha cha, or a back-door-Charlie.  If you’re Merriam Webster or my gynecologist, you may clinically describe it as a sexual activity that involves insertion of the penis or a sex toy into the anus.  And after that narrative, I’m about as turned on as a broken light bulb.  But word games aside, the act of anal sex is altogether an up the butt bang that should always be up for discussion.

To some, the thought of switching holes is unnatural and unhygienic, while for others, it’s habitual.  In truth, approximately 25% of heterosexual adults in the United States have engaged in anal sex at least once in their life (McKinley Health Center).  Only 10%, however, have done so at least once in the previous year.  Other statistics have shown that between 5% and 10% engage in the activity regularly, but more specifically, 6% of women and 8% of men engage in anal sex at least once a month (UCSF HIV InSite).  Undeniably, anal sex is both occurring and growing in popularity as the years progress.  And its prevalence in porn only makes it more appealing to viewers and sexual adventurists wanting to take their own sex life to the next level.  If you fall into that category or find yourself frequently saying, “I’ll try anything once,” then this is your guide to slide into fifth base gracefully.  Now, put aside your blushing cheeks and sweaty palms, there’s no beating around the butt from here on out!

1. JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN PORN DOES NOT MEAN IT’S THE NORM

Here I am on my soap box canvassing for the social realization that porn is, in fact, a fantasy, and yet, I have no votes and no real indication that my words have been heard!  So I shall say it again – pornography is a caricature of itself, a complete fabrication and exaggeration of reality.  An actress doesn’t just orgasm, she squirts a river, and an actor doesn’t just cum, but he bursts a vein in the process.  After the clean up, viewers learn that anal sex is just as common as vaginal sex, and perhaps most importantly, that all men and women enjoy it.  Unfortunately, that’s as fake as plastic tits.

2. YOUR BODY, YOUR BUTT

If you’re sticking objects up your backside, it’s probably best to know what lies beneath.  In the spirit of Merriam Webster, here is a very clinical, very unsexy, synopsis of the anatomy involved in anal:

★ The anus is the entry to the rectum, about one and half inches long, and surrounded by two rings of muscles (the external sphincter and the internal sphincter, otherwise known as what’s puckering closed when you look at the hole).

★ The external sphincter is the muscle closest to the anal opening and can be contracted at will due to its connection to the central nervous system.

★ The internal sphincter is the muscle that’s involuntarily controlled by the body. The internal sphincter cannot be contracted.

★ The rectum is an eight to nine inch expandable, tube-like structure made of soft tissue surrounded by muscles.

★ The prostate is a small, walnut-shaped gland located between the bladder and the penis.  Like the female G-spot, the prostate can be aroused simply by inserting your index finger and moving it in a “come hither” motion.

3. TALK TILL YOU’RE BLUE IN YOUR BALLS

Communication is key to any healthy relationship, even if the relationship in question is purely sexual.  Your boundaries, or lack there off, are most likely very different than your partner’s.  And even if there are overlaps, talking can easily iron out issues prior to rolling around in the sheets.  To avoid awkward moments, unexpected insertions, or claims of anal rape, I suggest you talk till you’re blue in your balls.  If anything, it’ll get you closer to what you want and discovering in detail what your partner desires.

4. ENEMAS FOR DUMMIES 

I was lucky enough to learn the importance of enemas from the queen of anal, Phoenix Marie.  But before I ever met Phoenix, I made sure to empty my bladder and colon prior to sliding into fifth base.  I learned very quickly, however, that the slide is more hygienically enjoyable when you properly clean out your insides with Fleet brand saline solution or mineral oil.  In the words of the anal queen herself:

“The saline solution enema is used to expand the large intestine and to allow the release to be greater than it would be with just warm water (which is how most porn girls get ready).  At home, you would repeat this process until you feel comfortable, or until you fill the bottle with warm water and the water exiting your rectum it is clear.  This can take two to three fills.  The mineral oil enema is typically used to lube the walls so hardened feces can pass through.  Blockage can happen due to dehydration, so anytime you enema, remember to drink water!”

5. LUBRICATION STATION

For first timers and even veterans, anal sex can be like trying to fit a watermelon into a keyhole.  In some cases, a couple’s anatomy just don’t mix well together, and in other instances, it’s a matter of stretching the muscles enough.  Exercising the sphincter muscles will ultimately aid in the control of contraction and release around the penis.  But, even the most in-shape anuses need a little slippery service.  With lubrication